Started really low and ended pretty high.
Yesterday's night swimming
The night swimming last night was wonderful. I was in the pool for an hour, there was another woman there who really impressed me with her swimming skills, her front crawl looked very professional. She was very friendly and I complimented her crawl and asked her if she used to swim competitively. Of course she did! “100 years ago!” She tells me, and we marvel and how amazingly our body memory is! Turns out front crawl is like riding a bike - Lol!
I did some lengths of breast stroke and floated on my back (so lucky there was space and peace to do that!). Then I wondered if my body remembers how I used to duck under water as a child, blow bubbles out of my nose and sit on the bottom of the pool. I try it, it doesn’t work. I try it again and again and again until it does. Yay! Then I do it some more and every time I bob back up to the surface I have to laugh out loud! This feels like play.
This morning's low
This morning I started very low. I looked at the clock almost every two hours in the night, and after 5.30 a.m. I was done with sleeping. Again, body upset, brain upset, and all the things. I give everyone (of me) some love: “I see you. I hear you. I understand you. I am here for you.” A migraine ensues.
I just about manage breakfast but realise I have to do something “I am here for you,” I said to myself, well now is the time to show it, show up for myself. I do not want to feel this way every morning and force myself to do things. That kind of behaviour is what got me in the burnout mess in the first place!
How to solve a problem like Kathy?
After speaking to those responsible for me, I quickly understand there is not much room for self-care or autonomy here. There isn’t as much leeway as I was lead to believe. It is an all or nothing concept. This seems counter productive to me and it feels icky and restrictive. However I do get the feeling the people I am talking to understand what I am saying. They try to offer me solutions to an alleged problem I am describing.
Zoom out, you open up to different solutions and the magic happens
Again I consciously zoom out from what my brain is concentrating on. Suddenly another woman turns up with a similar gripe about the lack of room for self-care. Hmmmmm. We are now a wee group of four women, putting the world (and the rehab center) to rights ;-P
After a little aqua-jogging and some great conversations in our new group of four dynamic over dinner, I realise the morning wasn’t about finding a solution to a problem. It was about speaking up and telling my truth and being heard. The hands here may be tied but they heard what I had to say about how I perceived and felt about my situation.
My nervous system thanks me (for now) and I offer it some shaking and dancing to help shake off the crap and integrate the wonderful. Now I feel pretty high … may it continue until tomorrow!