Three down. Two to go. It was a tough week for me to get through.
My Little Set-back
I was feeling hopeful on Monday. After a lovely weekend of birthday celebrations I was ready to face the third week and I felt more comfortable being here.
Then the news hit that one of my Reha-friends here was leaving early. She wasn’t going to sit out the whole five weeks with me, but leave at this end of this one. This made me sad.
My Little Breakdown
Over the next days that sadness of her leaving grew into something much larger. I was sad that I was NOT leaving. For bureaucratic reasons I feel obliged to stay here for the full five weeks. I do not feel free to decide to leave early. I feel I have to stay, I feel trapped. I start to feel so disconnected from my home, my safety, my security, my Self. I get wobbly and have to let it all my emotion out.
Conveniently in the hallway just before Nordic Walking class!
My Little Rescuers
I was very gracefully and lovingly supported by two other Reha-friends and the Nordic Walking instructor. My friends let me cry on their shoulders and they want to help me. They ask me what I need and want and I have no answers, other than I want to go home. Be with the familiar, soak up my home smell, cuddle with my man and my cat.
My Little Plan
They accompany me to the nurses office where I have a lovely talk with the nurse about feeling homesick. She suggests a cunning plan to keep my spirit going until the weekend (go home for full days at the weekend.) She has her own stories of almost-burnout and changing her job and I feel like I am on familiar territory. She would be homesick, too, she tells me, especially if she had to stay here for five weeks. Bless her for her honesty and sympathy. I feel seen, heard and understood.
My Little Throat Infection
The next day I wake up with a blazing throat. Painful, familiar. This knocks me out and I am glad of the rest. I spend a whole day in my room, I stay lying down a lot and fall sleep a couple of times. The nurses bring me food in the evening and my caring friends show up to see how I am doing. This feels safe and very kind.
My Little Break
The whole day of skipping classes and appointments does me the world of good! Just being in my own little world in my room with my books and my laptop makes me feel more homely. I am still very confused about how to proceed. I can’t really change the circumstances, so I kind of have to change my mindset. Hmmmmm. How to…?
My Little Breakthrough
I am awake early the next day and my heart is thumping, I feel shaky and uneasy and queasy. Huh. Feels like fear. I hear my inner voice:
“Well, if you want to not feel afraid, do something courageous.”
“You are all about showing up as authentically you, all vulnerable, speaking your truth and all that…”
“What would you like to acknowledge yourself for today? That you lay in your room and hid from the truth for fear of being judged?”
“You know you can show up vulnerable, because you know nothing can truly hurt you…”
Thank you inner divine for the pep talk, I know what I have to do to move through this.
I have to speak my truth and let the therapist know that I am struggling. The truth about feeling trapped, the truth about feeling homesick, losing connection with my Self. But first: I still have a sore throat so I cancel all my sporting appointments for the day - Phew! what a relief! That feels good!
In group therapy I immediately bring my troubles to the table. I hear myself saying “have to” a lot. That is heavy energy, adding a “have to.” It is laden with pressure and restriction. The therapist suggests my reason for being here in the Reha is possibly to learn how to stay with myself in new and busy and weird situations, doing things I don’t really want to. How to learn to be myself and hear my own voice, away from my house, my man, my cat, etc.
My Little Reminder
I am reminded of the quote I read in Dead Poet’s Society which resonated (I posted it on social media a couple of times). Robin William’s character does an experiment with boys which demonstrates “…how difficult it is for any of us to listen to our own voice or maintain our own beliefs in the presence of others.”
What do I need to stay connected to myself for the next two weeks?
I don’t know the answer, nor do I need to. I just allow the question to drop into my consciousness and see if anything shows up.
Job done. That was easy. I feel lighter.
A little later on I ask another question: Dear Universe, how can I feel a sense of home within me?
With a Little Help from My Friends
I ask my coach for some advice on this subject and within the first few moments of her talking about it, I already feel it. Earlier I had tried to transport my imagination to my house to be near my things. Annette says “fish hook the energy, throw out your line, everything is already there, it isn’t missing, it isn’t gone” and I feel the energy of me, my house, my cat, my husband, my sofa, my bed, my kitchen, etc. etc. they are being pulled towards me and settle in my heart.
The question of what do I need to stay with myself during Reha - the answer is maybe nothing. Everything is already there. I maybe just need a reminder.
It is now Friday evening and tomorrow I am looking forward to getting the train home and just pottering the day in my own home. I look forward to feeling the effects and reporting on them next week….